Today Wim and I were driving to visit some friends at a church fellowship, but first we needed to stop and get ice cream (extremely important!). On the way Wim was feeling stressed out because: Nora's stroller started growing mold, I tried to clean it but it just keeps coming back and so I was talking about maybe buying a new one cause it's just not healthy for her... But that led to other things which led to the other things.
You see, since we moved to The Netherlands 3 years ago, we have struggled with money. For about one year that struggle totally ruled our life, so much to the point that we stopped giving or being generous almost at all. After that year God really convicted us of our greedy and selfish hearts, and he used 'giving tithe' as a means to free us from ourselves. So we started to give out of our need, legalistically 10% of every gift that came in. And it helped so much. We didn't miss the money that we were giving away (we still struggled financially, but not more because of it)... But most important our heart attitude changed and we finally felt FREE. About a year after that change, we felt like a God was calling us to a deeper level in generosity. Instead of us collecting the tithe and then deciding who we wanted to bless with it, we were to make commitments and give monthly. The first step was to break us free from mammon, from the love of money and from being ruled by it. And the second step was to release control of the money.
Those things have totally brought so much freedom into our lives. BUT...but... It's still hard financially. There have been abundant times, but if we're honest we wish there were more. Money doesn't rule over us like it used to, but we can't over spiritualize it away. The fact is you need money to pay bills, to buy food, to get around and BE ABLE TO FUNCTION IN MINISTRY. And another fact is that money is something that most people wish we would stop talking about.
I find it difficult to express how we really feel because we don't want to step on any toes, but at the same time we are bursting with emotions and actual pains that we have received in our lives as full time missionaries.
You know what hurts? When someone in the church makes a comment about your new clothes or computer... "Wow, those missionaries sure have nice things..." Implying what? That missionaries need to live poorly?! Or when people think and radiate the thought that not having enough support is an indicator that we probably aren't obeying God in some area or other. Seriously? Seriously?! What if the tables were turned and the people who aren't obeying are the ones that have heard or felt God move them to give to our ministry, and they haven't done it! Ouch! It probably hurts (or offends) to read a comment like that, but that's exactly how it feels for us! It's like we are surrounded by people with magnifying glasses: some are sincerely interested, but others are careless and they burn us with their poor aim (just picture all the ants that you fried with a magnifying glass in your childhood.... Yeah that's kinda how we feel sometimes).
Now I know it sounds like I'm a broken person on a rant, and the truth is I am, we are broken in many ways and we are getting healed day by day. But this stuff just needs to be said. At least we need to say it for our sake. Missionaries are not the property of the church. We aren't opening up our lives so that we can be scrutinized. And while we make it a goal to be open and teachable, we really just need a hug and an ear to listen sometimes because we are HUMAN and sometimes life is hard. And you know what else? We need money. We do. We need prayer very much. But sometimes we wish that those prayers would materialize into support, because our lives would be so much easier then. Our minds and our hearts would be freer to love people and to bring them into encounters with God. Things are already difficult, try being in the fire 24/7, cause that's how it feels sometimes. It's not always negative, often it's the fire of God purging us so that we can represent Him well, but sometimes it's the fire of stress because you constantly have to choose: pay a bill or buy food? Pay a bill or put fuel in the car so Wim can drive to the refugee center to encourage persecuted Christians? Pay a bill or buy our daughter a toy? It's honestly exhausting.
We're all for wisdom. We're all for knowing where your money is going, making sure that you're investing in places and people who are perpetuating values that you can stand behind. So can you believe in us? Can you stand behind our hearts and not only our activities? Because our activities will change but our hearts will go with us everywhere. And our hearts burn and yearn to know God and love Him well, and to help other people discover the transformational power that is in knowing Him, the Truth. We're desperate for people to love us and stop judging us.
Can you handle our feelings? Because this is us.
We do seek God about our finances. We seek Him about our activities. We do trust Him and we are open for Him to give us direction. We ask the hard questions: God, are we in the right place? Are we doing something wrong? Do we need to stay where we are or should we just go get jobs? And we share our frustrations with Him: God, where are you? We know you are our provider, but can't you just provide a little more?
We know God can handle our questions, our frustrations. We know that He will tell us when there's something we need to know. We'll definitely keep you in in the loop. But until then, please, don't just be an observer, join the ride and do life with us. If God has told you to give us money, to write us an encouraging email, to come visit us so you can get a better understanding of our lives, whatever it may be- JUST DO IT. Please. Maybe God wants to use you to bring the breakthrough we've been longing for for years.
With love, Wim, Jenni & Nora Dufoort
Full-time missionaries with Youth With a Mission
Currently based in The Netherlands
"Helping people discover the Truth that transforms"
